When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
