pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
