last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
