Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
