this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
