How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
