phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
