You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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