now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
