I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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