they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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