i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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