Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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