Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
