i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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