Four minutes until I can fart!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
