At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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