it was like eating out sand paper
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We need a shit load of segways right now
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
