Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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