I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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