I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
