Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
