if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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