they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
