I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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