So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
