summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
