I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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