my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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