Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
