I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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