I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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