You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
