My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
