OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
