paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
