We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
