so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
