My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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