everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
