Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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