You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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