I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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