and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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