I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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