you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
