omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
