if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I didn't shave. On purpose
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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