I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
