Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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